No matter what your Thanksgiving traditions involve, one thing is for sure: there will be a lot of drinking.
A time for family is a time for drinking.
Because for some reason the more of your family members there are in one place – the stranger everyone becomes. The only way to get through the day is a smooth, easy Pinot Noir to soothe your mind. But you’re not the only one drinking to get through – and the quirks of everyone else’s personality come in their choice of alcohol too.
So what are your family members likely drinking this Thanksgiving?
Your Underage Cousin: Barefoot Pink Moscato
A painful reminder of the days when drinking felt forbidden and cool. It’s a family holiday, everyone’s drinking, so no big deal. But not to your underage cousins. They regale you with tales of this semester’s freshman college parties while sloppily inhaling too much Barefoot Moscato. You can already see how their evening will end and it won’t be pretty.
The Hyper-Political Sibling: A Biodynamic Red
She talks about the dangers of her political opponents to anyone who will listen. Her biodynamic red sloshes dangerously in her glass every time she uses gestures excitedly about her beliefs. She’s already made sure to let you all know her wine is from a recycled glass bottle – then demands to know what the rest of the family is doing for the planet.
The Crazy Uncle: Moonshine
He’s been single for years – living alone with his dog and probably sleeping on a mattress without a boxspring on the floor. Despite his domestic situation, you’re pretty sure he parties harder than you. He comes in offering you some mysterious liquid in a labelless bottle, insisting you try some like some back-alley peddlar. His friend made it – totally safe, he swears. He’s already had three shots.
So you indulge for a taste – after which you can’t feel your face.
The Alcoholic Aunt: Anything stronger than wine
She’s already raided your wine stores for the highest alcohol percentage wine you had – and she blew through that bottle in an hour. Now she’s raiding your liquor cabinet, and not finding any of her favorites, whips her own gin out of an oversized purse. She’s ready to start hitting her stride.
The Bro: A Double IPA
Your brother who now lives in Colorado and only drinks at microbreweries. He insists he just can’t get into wine and will only drink IPAs because anything else is barely more than water.
The Ultra-Conservative Grandmother: None for her, thanks.
No drinking for Grandma. She doesn’t need alcohol to feel comfortable speaking her mind in ways that make the rest of the family cringe.
The New Boyfriend: A vintage Bordeaux from Chateau Latour
He’s here to impress the family so you won’t decide he’s not a good fit and dump him. Which is why he showed up with a vintage Bordeaux from Chateaux Latour and incessantly dissects the bouquet and tannic structure to anyone who will listen.
The Over-stressed Host: A strong, elegant merlot
She’s overseeing the whole operation and making sure your family’s fed this holiday. She’s been slaving over every aspect of the meal with minimal help all day. But you wouldn’t know it from her easy smile and warm greetings as everyone arrives. She’s classy and has a classy holiday in mind – and she’s hoping the rest of you lot can keep it that way.
Which is why she started pouring that Merlot at 10AM.